#1: The sure fire way to peak a consumer’s interest is to bury your phone number dozens of pages deep on your website. Research says a typical web surfer will search your site for 15 minutes in order to find your phone number. Especially if you owe them money.
#2: Dark blue type on a black background is the newest hip trend for 2015. This color scheme gives a dark and brooding vibe. This can be really good for children’s product websites.
#3: Copy copy copy. People love to read long copy with lots of big words. It makes them feel smart and want to buy your product. Lots of copy and very small pictures, low resolution if possible, is a great way to catch your consumers attention.
#4: Pay top dollar for clicks. Google will personally go to your consumer’s house and ring their doorbell and sell to them like a 1960’ vacuum salesman if you pay the top rate per click. This is a little known trick for those of us in the google loop.
#5: Put your message all over your social media pages. Numerous times a day. I recommend adding something like, “And you will never believe what they found” to your sales pitch. Or maybe “their response will bring you to tears”. These always work. Everybody will flock to your page and buy your product immediately.
#6: Stylized fonts make great headlines, especially in all capital letters. Papyrus is a favorite of mine, and comic sans. Like a good cow bell, we could always use more comic sans.
#7: When you send out the press release for your company’s anniversary, like you do every year, make sure to personally contact every reporter at the publication. Tell them all about your company again and ask them to promise you an article in their publication. They are usually most easily available after 8pm. Make sure to demand you get final look at the article before it runs.
#8: Fill your website with large, slow loading images that make your site move at a snail’s pace. Consumers love the anticipation of watching a slow website load. They tend to share these sites on social media and spend a ton of time on sites like these.
#9: When producing radio or television ads, the more words you have in the ad the more consumers will remember the piece. If you can find a radio voice over talent with speed talking skills, this is an added plus.
#10: Bursts get attention, especially the really pointy ones. Well, not just one, but many bursts, with small copy. This will make a potential customer stand up and scream “I need this product right now because it seems as if it is shouting at me!” If you put the bursts in multiple colors, including neon, it will truly make your piece pop.
#11: Give away a promotional item that nobody wants. Like a cardboard flower vase that leaks. We all know we would remember a vase that leaked all over our desk. Make it a purchase reward with a super high quantity requirement. Like, buy 6000 of our 50 cent items, and you will get a free cardboard flower vase.
#12: Have your logo designed by the neighbor that plays on his computer a lot and has Photoshop. He probably has 30 fonts to choose from, so you will have lots of options. He may even do a google search and copy a logo from a company just like yours. But, that is ok, because you will never run across that logo, and that company will probably be nice enough to share usage. Everything on the internet is fair game anyway.
#13: Ask for as many opinions as you can find on your new logo designs. Put it out there on Twitter, ask for everyone’s opinion. The more differing opinions you get, the better off you will be on making a decision.
#14: Do not bother to promote your next event. Tell your biggest gossip friend. They will tell the world.
#15: Do not hiring a marketing company. You can do it all yourself. You can come up with the great ideas, everybody is a marketer. You can design the logo, and the printed pieces, and I am sure you can find a cheap place to create your own website. It may even have a waving American Flag in the top corner. That and a visitor counter is the sign of a well designed site.
Happy April Fools 😉